hardly saying anything but meaning a lot.

I sit here more braindead then i ever thought i could be, and more of an emotional wreckage than i thought possible.
i literally have so much to say to the people closest to me but due to killing my brain with alcohol and the odd burst of substance over the last few months i cant seem to find any concievable way to let my feelings out. i cant even seem to think straight, and right now im even find it hard to hold a proper conversation. i think that although i love being busy, sleep is pretty key to a healthy mind.
i used to use art because its my only real talent, and it was pretty special as none of my friends could compete, but now im trying to tell people who are my equals, well infact they are all pretty much the most talented and driven people i have ever met, and sometimes i feel lazy when talking to them, but that gives me my drive and motivation.
the more i think about this, the more i realise that these people are the reason i feel so happy and content with life, pretty much the soul reason i like life, and im starting to worry that maybe if i leave these incredible people and live in a flat of people studying sport psychology, who love WKD and reading the sun i will fall out of love with life once again.
i would also normally make them all mix tapes, but music isnt really much of a common ground because the songs that really mean stuff to me at the moment dont really get appreciated by the electronic loving fiends!
but i have one lyric stuck in my head right at this moment that pretty much sums up how i feel about this group:

'il love you forever if i ever love at all'.

i want to tell each individual the reasons why they make my life great, but to be honest i cant actually put in to words why. perfection is hard to word.

i also think hearing 'i fucking love you so much, you are incredible' loses effect after telling them for the one hundreth time. so im stuck.
i just hope they feel the same as i do, so they understand just how beautiful this year has been. im pretty sure the feeling is very much mutual.

i spoke to my mother yesterday and told her that we sat on a beach in sheppey and all watched the stars together and her response summed everything up, that night, this summer, this entire year;
'and who said life cant be like the films'

a year of my life in full blown tecnicolour.